learning to love + trust myself
—the long route to how i did it anyway ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
How I learned to shift away from that pattern of dating the wrong people. Whilst finding what was important was, and still is, to listen, love and trust myself.
(I know. Cheesy. But!)
It all started after therapy… as it should.
But without disclosing ALL that mess, I wanted to share what I found to maybe help others :)
my ‘origin story’…
I grew up well. But as a kid, you can pick up on stuff adults don’t think you notice as they’re grinding through life, to keep you [and themselves] alive.
Anyway, my dad was a salesman —still is to this day.
I recall when I was younger, noticing his infectious smile and overall charm he presented to all around him.
He loved gatherings, hosting parties, attention, and ofc… money. He just knew how to hustle and get what he wanted done.
And as a child, I didn’t think much of it. Just a confident man! Right?!
It wasn’t until I was 7(?) when I noticed he was showing a bit more of that attention outside the home; specifically to a neighbor (that is a story you can read here), where things really started affecting me and would continue to do so later in life.
The first thing I got from all this was my mom’s strength.
I never cried or missed him, cuz my young mind was aware; saw it brewing.
(SN: I was also aware of how much it hurt my older sister though… She around 9-10 😕)
The strength I saw:
My mother dealt w a lot before and after leaving. Like, not just a selfish partner, but two kids [constantly fighting cuz… confusion? we were just kids] and a newborn.
All while trying to also balance her jobs and school for us — her girls.
Since that the day she refused to take his bullsh*t, as she saw it was affecting us young girls too, I had this SUPER respect for her.
But, I never showed it.
(sn: I also may have overheard several conversations with her venting to friends, cuz I was a curious child lol)
Later in life,
as I was a more cognitive child, I unknowingly emulated her.
So, how was my relationship with my dad?
A man who was so used to being catered to, getting what he wanted, had his wife leave him and a daughter that was just like her…? Strong willed.
He didn’t like my attitude; He treated me differently.
I grew up hearing different things than my older sister from him.
No affirmations, just judgy, belittling comments —with a smile!
I found strength at all ages, I guess channeling my mom, and would stand up for myself.
But, I was just a kid. So was in the wrong —not “respecting my elders” or whatever.
(callback: Around 5-6, I was already asking questions, then noticing how ‘annoying’ my blunt comments would be [then] to adults. —Unlike today, where it’s ok to share everything for clout)
AND SO: I grew up resenting my father… I have to admit.
And can you guess the kind of people I ended up dating?!
Narcissistic, salesmen types.
(I mean… not all LITERALLY “salesmen,” but guys that “sell” you on an idea, man)
An idea, a promised life, a future together…
By not seeking therapy before, I was just setting myself up for more disappointment in this constant pattern I didn’t yet see.
How did I go through this again? But now, as an adult, romantically, for so long?
Cuz I never found the root issue.
Until 2020.
I was unconsciously dating men that reminded me of my father. Including my ex-husband.
Ego📈
From the few [yet too LONG relationships I’ve had], I left feeling one of these two things in aftermath [questioning MYSELF]:
Am I just a trophy, or what I’ve coined as a PROP, for someone else’s ego?
Am I just a stepping stone, or PLACEHOLDER —an “opening act” for their own “show”?
*I call it the “2 P’s”™️ —which later became something a friend of mine and I considered briefly into making into a podcast about our past traumas.
The title I pitched:
“Two P’s In a PODcast”™️ 😂
Anyway, I always felt alone with them. And have struggled trusting men since.
**Remember, I am divorced. I was with my ex- for 9 years. And I only did this internal look (again) after that dust settled.
So, what learned from my healing + forgiving was:
… those weren’t the supporting, charismatic partners I thought I fell for, for MY OWN internal issues.
They were men that kept me down, while I supported them
through their OWN struggle.
So, I perpetually dated these kind of men; not knowing I needed to check myself.
(remember: I don’t date a lot. When I commit to a partner, I am in it. I just have unfortunately done so with these types of dudes due to not PAUSING.
*Which lead me to why I’ve been happily single in my personal journey✨)
The constant reticule made me feel like I was just never good enough.
That stayed with me throughout my thirties.
I was just never aware of it before getting back to myself —ofc, with the help of therapy. And true friends.
It’s crazy! Because…
I did it to myself.
Although, I knew I was smart and self-driven, I was not emotionally strong enough to see or communicate ANYTHING that was going wrong with each relationship.
So, I continued on with this toxic pattern —content being “small” in those relationships.
_
So, to EVERYONE!
Learn to love yourself.
It is SO worth it.
Find the root of unhealthy dating patterns, because:
That safety you feel is just repetition;
which will ultimately hurt you the most.
I will add, just as something I reminded myself:
Remember to do what you love!
I found in my personal growth that if I truly believed in myself when I felt weak, and not settled for this false comfort, I could have found that courage to do all I wanted, so many years ago.
Why I know I did it to myself.
I don’t have any resentment towards any of these men.
I am just AWARE now. Of all sides.
Aware to not waste my one life, my only time on this planet,
by settling and ignoring my own needs for people
that don’t have their own life [or EQ] in check.
Don’t second guess yourself for anyone.
It all starts within you. 💖