GREAT + FULL

a shawty's story about her life + her heart

A dear friend of mine ignited a thought I have been on for longer than the IG story post that inspired its spark.

It’s how fucking grateful I am for my mother. (I mean, shouldn’t we all?!) 

To paint the picture of my thought and reasoning to writing something about my mother, based on a fleeting IG story is “the 80s.”

(Disclaimer: I’m not that crazy, searching for shit on people's stories as a ‘follower’ for inspo —I’m just hyper-observant. A daily fucking struggle for hyper-creative people. Google it.) 

My point! I last wrote about how I believe us 80s babies (“millennials”) got fxcked over the most in “‘murica”; from just a post of a page in a book he was reading, I fixated on “1980s” or some shit …

See! Already forgot. But “80’s” was in there. I know that much. haha!

OK, so in the moment, I actually paused. Like, I held my finger down on the ‘story’ to read the page he shared.

The book [I learned] is The Self-Driven Child (sn: let’s normalize just ASKING, as I did. It’s not weird. It’s curiosity.)

It reminded me of HOW grateful I am for my growth, not only today as an “adult” but of it as a kid growing with a single mother of three GIRLS. 

(I also had a call with my mom JUST before I opened IG, so that might also be it. I digress.)

It made me think about how lucky I am to be where I am in life, given the big changes I had to adjust to at such a young age; whilst acknowledging her struggles long before having us THREE girls.

FUN NOTE: I was 6-7 when my mom left my dad. I recall all from being aware of his ego and infidelity before then, up to that afternoon we packed up and left when he was away at work…

No mother would want their kids to remember something this life changing so vividly, but PLEASE NOTE, it is also important to understand why it needed to happen. 

A young woman —my mother was like 30 at time —hearing and seeing her seven and ten-year-old girls are playing “Harriet the Spy-on the 20-something year-old your dad is seeing more than his own family” just across the apartment complex; and had recently given birth to a new baby girl…

I MEANNN…

Just to give my uneducated advice as a non-parent: not only was this the right call, but HOW DID SHE DO IT 🤯

Today, as a 30-something year-old that has friends with kids, even they are like HOW. *jaws > floor*

Think about it. Having three girls growing up in the days of 90’s pop culture?! Like, the days of Carson Daly and anorexia being a thing?! Like, HOW. How did she keep it all together?

These comments are often followed by “your mom is so strong” with heavy ‘surprised y’all aren’t fucked up’ expressions on their faces LOL

Yep, three girls. Same dad. Latinas. No kids we know of (haha!). And obviously, all with a great sense of humor.

My mom also worked retail and went to school to get a job at a hospital, because she WANTED to help others as well.

(I know. My theory: She’s a walking angel —because I swear, I could never work at a hospital. Or have kids.)

She also eventually bought a house on her own throughout her single and I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T stage. Like, back when that song was a thing.

And… I was a TERROR of a middle child. Like, horrible. I sometimes wonder how she can look me in the eye today and still love me, though I did have some cute kid years in there. . .

Still, terrible. I didn’t know how to express myself to humans just yet —only through art form.

Anyway, the one page in this friend’s “story” had me think of her having to start and restart, to THEN restart with no help from her husband or any true partner, due to —let’s just say, my father committing to the ‘cheating American father’ role. One that some are currently “unlearning” or actually learning is a thing.

(note: I wrote it in that way as a callback to a term I’m using in another post I’m working on, which covers my dating life since my own divorce. Hehe!)

So, yes. I am great, full [of love], AND grateful.

Growing up, I didn’t process the mess of my youth, nor was even that close to my mom because… who is as a teenager? (fact: all teenagers tend to grow up fearing our parents) 

In the wake of my divorce, I learned to open up to her. And what I learned was not only that she’s so smart and fucking hilarious, but that she is the reason I am how I am.

Through the bullshit, she never lost her shit. 

She was and still is super supportive to all we decide to do in life, encouraged our creativity at times when things were not ideal for her, and in a way that it was catered to each of us girls individually.

Growing up, just being a lil’ shit, she still trusted me. I was allowed to go about my own path, even when I stubbornly did things off instinct to rebel. 

Down to my most vulnerable, which was the ending of my marriage (cuz I felt the needed to stay to something broken for fear of what others would think —which in hindsight is dumb as shit. Do NOT recommend). She knew I knew what to do.

And, I mean, I had no kids with him [or anyone] and a long history of clinical depression… something my ex-husband didn’t believe was a real thing, until about three years ago and a pandemic happened —so, who was I hurting other than myself?

I may not have kids, or want them honestly. But I feel for their fragile lil’ brains and all they need to grow. 

So not a parent, not claiming I know shit, but what I know is that they’re tiny humans. And humans require care and an outlet, not repression. 

I am so grateful for my mother, because of her, I trust and know I’m smart; I see things as they are and can take on anything, as I have.

The one page in a post of The Self-Driven Child resonated with me because it made me think: While she was working her ass off at a retail store + finishing school, she always left us girls with the tools needed to grow in her short absence. 

Tools not just at home, but within our community.

Example: she had me and my older sister in different classes [at local YMCA] to find the things we enjoyed. 

For me, it was art and music (drawing, tapping, ballet).

For my older sister it was the same (bond! 👯‍♀️) …but also, jazz.

(And swimming —that part did not “take” in me LOL. But that is a whole other story.)

Anyway, without being an overbearing parent through her own struggles, she gave us the tools to succeed and be the creative 30 year-olds we are today; with no records. 

Since covid lockdown in 2020 and therapy, my mom and I have gotten a lot closer. We even took a trip together and it was, for lack of better words, F’N AWESOME!!!

I learned so much about her youth (before becoming a 20-year-old mother of 3). So I had a lot of ‘Oh shit! That’s why I’m like this!’ moments.

She, too, noticed this from all my quirks, hanging out with me, and only me, for the first time as a grown-ass 5’0” adult. And I could also tell she was happy I didn’t become a grown up lil’ shit. 😅

I talked to her about how she helped me become who I am. Also, how it’s her time to be and do all she wants to be. 

Her three little girls are all grown!

I might have said something like, ‘look, we all found stability and love. And 2 of 3 did with husbands. I’m just the 1/3 that found it after leaving one.’

Anyway, shout out to all parents out there! Again, no idea how TF y'all do it, as I raised a grown man and still feel like a child myself most days. 

Also, you parents: remember you are a human as well!

Go enjoy yourself from time to time and just BE! I believe you'll be that much more happy once reunited with your mini-me’s, as they will be once reunited with you.

So, yeah. Incredibly grateful for all my mother’s straight up, honest knowledge from her experiences to us all.

Like, not just to her daughters. She’s just an overall amazing human.

I love you so much, mama!

❤️