new magic / qualms

reflected on my romantic relationships after divorce > found my issues with dating today

”sometimes you gotta close a door to open a window” — Tyler, the Creator (IGOR, 2019)


currently playing:

Since my divorce, I was going through my own exploration of how I felt about romantic relationships. They seemed pointless.

Something my brother-in-law suggested I do when I felt ready to start dating again was to see it as “collecting data” or explore different personalities and pin the traits I like and the ones I know I shouldn’t tolerate. 

So basically, to keep it casual to find out what I actually want in a partner. 

• (sn: I also learned ‘geek speak’ makes things make total sense to me.

  So, his advice is what I’ve been on the last 5+ years)

It’s been really interesting. Not just in my “research” but findings within myself throughout. 

• (see: Relationship Status: HAPPY) 

It has not just been about the freedom, but learning to be at peace alone and actually love myself.

Like, I am truly happy living on my own. Taking care of myself.

And, truthfully, not at all lonely — as people tend to assume. (Recently think it tells more about their inability to be alone, tbh)

Now, this isn’t a ‘sappy’ piece on how I learned to find or “Eat, Pray, Love“ myself to happiness.

It’s about my experiences and findings on why I haven’t dated anyone for more than a few months at a time. As well as why I don’t see myself with anyone in the near future.

• (BTW shout out to Elizabeth Gilbert. I didn’t read Eat, Pray, Love —I watched the movie.
  But! I did read Big Magic and it had a HUGE impact on my journey/creative career.)

My research, or honestly, more introspection got even more intense, after I fractured a “professional football player’s” number of ribs at home. Alone.

Because I HAD to chill tf out.

I couldn’t do much but naturally heal under a bunch of pain medicine for months, so I had time to reflect and connect further with myself. 

I remember finding an old journal, starting to listen to a lot of podcasts, reflecting a lot on my past [more intimate] relationships, and questioning where I was in life.

Repairing myself, both naturally and purposefully.

I did fall and break myself all alone in my studio apartment after all. Was I really happy?

So in that space, I started out grateful for all I’ve experienced in these “lives” lived, with all these [seasonal] intriguing people.

I grew from each.

Then, I doubled down on my thoughts. Part, cuz I was highly medicated …

• (remember: I broke 4 ribs. And I am a 5’0” non-athletic 30-something adult. MATH math-ed)

But also I felt it was time. Time to truly look into each one, individually, to really process that “data” I was collecting.

THE GOAL:
To figure out if I was truly happy on my own. . .

straight answer:
YESSS. 

• (same response to if I documented it (!!!), but more on THAT later, on YouTube hehe)

So. If my true happiness as a single woman in my 30s is what you wanted to know —you got your answer!

The rest of this is an exploration of my thought process: What I found, learned, and the reasoning behind my straight-up “YES.”

Even though every guy I dated after my divorce had different backgrounds, baggage, and mindsets, as us humans do; I noticed a pattern on how most ended.

After the ‘honeymoon phase’ —they recoiled and things shifted. 

What I mean by this is once “set,” neither would effectively communicate new feelings, thoughts or emotions… this creates a “tunnel vision” that doesn’t allow them to understand any emotion displayed by their partner, since they are fixated on their own thoughts [i.e., vision].

Therefore, even if tried to be explained by the other partner that they sense something is off, there is no effective communication for understanding on either side on wtf was going on. That’s internally/emotionally/personally. People are complicated.

(Also realized I use a lot of analogies —I found this is kinda my thing when conducting my research🙃)

So, the tunnel visioned partner tends to jump to their own conclusions and react to their own interpretation of whatever was going on at the time to fit their narrative, instead of just asking**. Leading to either one or both of us to call it quits. 

After realizing [and processing] that, I took it a step further. Because they all ended amicably, which is rare in relationships today, I knew I could JUST ASK.

(Really, I have no bad blood with any of these men. Things ended with a thick layer of respect + understanding of it just not working out.)

But why has this pattern repeated itself in these “situation-ships” since my divorce? 

The former journalist in me broke it down, like I did my four ribs, which again, MADE me reflect.

All I had was time to myself like it was 2020 all over again. 

I asked myself: how much could my intimate relationship with a friend I’ve known since grade school have the same ending as one I had a cosmic-level connection within a month of meeting? 

How could someone I meshed, laughed, and created so much with end just like the one I was mentally connected to, down to our goals and values? 

Or the one I once saw myself with in the end of it all have the same outcome as the one I got so intertwined with, I was a household name to his family, and most importantly, to his daughter?

I looked inward, because my brain instantly started to blame myself in made-up scenarios. Then, took a step back, and actually talked to a few fellas in this weird, pain-medicated induced existential crisis. 

What’s funny is their answers were very similar to a conversation I had with my ex-husband (podcast on that is up!). 

[I mean, the fact that I can even have these conversations with these men today should say something on how well things ended. There’s mutual respect there.]

After listening and examining the common answers and learning of MY OWN reclusion in the relationship(s) at certain times [right after or during divorce process] —I think I found the root of the issue: